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Tag Archives: idiocy

…By listening to true metal!

This is real. I’m not kidding.

By now, you should know about the YouTube Copyright Wars. If you don’t, here’s the deal: Warner Music Group, not just one record label, but a whole alliance of them, is going berserk over copyright claims. If your video has music from them, it’s going to be flagged and removed sooner or later. Some people have suggested ideas like switching to a different site (like what?), using Creative Commons-licensed music, or firebombing the WMG headquarters. Here’s an idea: Use music that WMG doesn’t own.

Wait, WMG doesn’t own all the music in the world after all?

No, they don’t. Quite a few lesser-known record labels are outside WMG’s grasp. These labels, interestingly enough, include Century Media, Nuclear Blast, and Spinefarm- the Big 3 of Extreme Metal. Listenable Records is also okay, as far as I can tell. Sadly for you metalcore kiddies, Roadrunner Records is owned by WMG, and Metal Blade uses them for distribution. That means no Trivium, Machine Head, Killswitch Engage, Slipknot, pre-Rest Inside The Flames 36 Crazyfists, Unearth or Job For A Cowboy for you. You can find a list of the labels WMG owns here: if your favorite label shows up there, don’t make a YouTube video with background music anytime soon. (Also casualties of this battle are Opeth- Ghost Reveries and later- and Amon Amarth. Both will be missed, especially the latter.)

So what does that leave? Here’s a short list of bands that should get past the screening:

*huge breath*

Children of Bodom, In Flames, Soilwork, Mors Principium Est, Kalmah, Lacuna Coil, Gojira, At The Gates, Sonata Arctica, Ensiferum, Iced Earth, Nevermore, Dimmu Borgir, Firewind, Dark Tranquillity, The Agonist, Scar Symmetry (with exceptions), Cryptopsy, Nightrage, Nightwish (with exceptions), Behemoth, Strapping Young Lad, Arch Enemy, Norther, Bloodbath, Hyocrisy, Shadows Fall (with exceptions), Keep of Kalessin, and Wintersun.

“With exceptions” means that some of their material is off-limits. These albums, to be specific:

  • Scar Symmetry – Symmetrical In Design (Metal Blade)
  • Shadows Fall – Threads of Life (Roadrunner)
  • Nightwish – Once, Dark Passion Play (jointly Nuclear Blast, Roadrunner, Drakkar)

Haha, no more “The Poet And The Pendulum” AMVs. 😉

Still, that leaves a fair amount. I got away with posting a video of Tremulous, an open-source game (CC = no copyright claims) soundtracked by Soilwork’s song “Exile”, from “Sworn to a Great Divide” by Nuclear Blast. It’s still up.

Now go out there and stick it to the man!

Do you ever want to make “friends” online by proving how fvkken kvlt and gr1m you are to make up for your lack of friends in real life? Do you want something “constructive” to do by tearing down decent bands instead of making something useful? Or maybe you just want an excuse to write “pussy”, “gay”, “emo”, and other related words over and over to hide the fact that you’re a closet emo?

You can do all three right here!

Behold, Metal Archives. For the trve el1te, by the trve el1te. To be honest, as the “encyclopaedia metallum” that it’s supposed to be, it’s a great site, and has some excellent information on an incredible selection of bands. Even underground ones (for instance Orphan Hate, Decadence Sweden, Utopia Banished) have at least some useful info (I couldn’t find the lyrics to Utopia Banished’s album “Night of the Black Wyvern” anywhere else, for instance). Use it all you want, just don’t click on any of the review links. Unless you’re checking reviews for a relatively underground band, you will lose brain cells.

There are generally three types of reviews on Metal Archives.  The first one is a fairly unbiased, yet critical, assessment of an album’s strengths and weaknesses. This tends to happen less and less as a band’s popularity increases. There are few to none for popular albums, but a fair number for underground bands (and lesser-known albums; for instance, the reviews get better earlier on in Arch Enemy’s career). The second type is written by fanboys. Almost any review that gives the album higher than a 96% is one of these. They’re marked by gushing over an album’s positive features and either no or slight mention of its flaws. The few positive reviews for Bring Me The Horizon’s albums are like this, and many neglect to mention that Bring Me The Horizon songs are mostly made of breakdowns, their lyricism is far below-par, and other assorted flaws.

Then we have the third type of review. This is what you will be writing.

Step one to bashing a band: Pick an album. Try to find their most “mainstream” album so more people will agree with you. Examples include “Blooddrunk” by Children of Bodom, “Come Clarity” by In Flames, and “Rise of the Tyrant” by Arch Enemy. Download it using Limewire, BitTorrent, or something else, and listen to it for a good 5 minutes. Be sure to look at other reviews so you know what parts of each song to listen to. Don’t bother listening multiple times, this piece of shit can’t grow on you, can it? Didn’t think so.

Step two: Start writing the review. Your review must have the following words: “emo”, “shit”, “sellouts”, “boring”, “gay”, “pussy”, “poser, “bitch”, and “fail”. Be sure to agonize over how much of a chore the album was to listen to, while blasting the gr1mmest, most fr0stb1tt3n pvre fvkken blvkk metvl you can find in the background. This is your gold standard of an easy listen, which means it’s everyone else’s, too. Also, be sure to mention that you snapped the imaginary CD in half after you were done, even though you’re not even going to delete the download. Conclude by telling the reader to avoid the album at all costs, despite that you looked for it intentionally.

Step three: Post.

Step four: You’re the kvltest person alive. Congrats, now give yourself a pat on the back. And remember, DEATH TO FALSE METAL!!!!!!!!1111!!!11