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Tag Archives: death to false metal

Do you ever want to make “friends” online by proving how fvkken kvlt and gr1m you are to make up for your lack of friends in real life? Do you want something “constructive” to do by tearing down decent bands instead of making something useful? Or maybe you just want an excuse to write “pussy”, “gay”, “emo”, and other related words over and over to hide the fact that you’re a closet emo?

You can do all three right here!

Behold, Metal Archives. For the trve el1te, by the trve el1te. To be honest, as the “encyclopaedia metallum” that it’s supposed to be, it’s a great site, and has some excellent information on an incredible selection of bands. Even underground ones (for instance Orphan Hate, Decadence Sweden, Utopia Banished) have at least some useful info (I couldn’t find the lyrics to Utopia Banished’s album “Night of the Black Wyvern” anywhere else, for instance). Use it all you want, just don’t click on any of the review links. Unless you’re checking reviews for a relatively underground band, you will lose brain cells.

There are generally three types of reviews on Metal Archives.  The first one is a fairly unbiased, yet critical, assessment of an album’s strengths and weaknesses. This tends to happen less and less as a band’s popularity increases. There are few to none for popular albums, but a fair number for underground bands (and lesser-known albums; for instance, the reviews get better earlier on in Arch Enemy’s career). The second type is written by fanboys. Almost any review that gives the album higher than a 96% is one of these. They’re marked by gushing over an album’s positive features and either no or slight mention of its flaws. The few positive reviews for Bring Me The Horizon’s albums are like this, and many neglect to mention that Bring Me The Horizon songs are mostly made of breakdowns, their lyricism is far below-par, and other assorted flaws.

Then we have the third type of review. This is what you will be writing.

Step one to bashing a band: Pick an album. Try to find their most “mainstream” album so more people will agree with you. Examples include “Blooddrunk” by Children of Bodom, “Come Clarity” by In Flames, and “Rise of the Tyrant” by Arch Enemy. Download it using Limewire, BitTorrent, or something else, and listen to it for a good 5 minutes. Be sure to look at other reviews so you know what parts of each song to listen to. Don’t bother listening multiple times, this piece of shit can’t grow on you, can it? Didn’t think so.

Step two: Start writing the review. Your review must have the following words: “emo”, “shit”, “sellouts”, “boring”, “gay”, “pussy”, “poser, “bitch”, and “fail”. Be sure to agonize over how much of a chore the album was to listen to, while blasting the gr1mmest, most fr0stb1tt3n pvre fvkken blvkk metvl you can find in the background. This is your gold standard of an easy listen, which means it’s everyone else’s, too. Also, be sure to mention that you snapped the imaginary CD in half after you were done, even though you’re not even going to delete the download. Conclude by telling the reader to avoid the album at all costs, despite that you looked for it intentionally.

Step three: Post.

Step four: You’re the kvltest person alive. Congrats, now give yourself a pat on the back. And remember, DEATH TO FALSE METAL!!!!!!!!1111!!!11