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It’s nothing nasty, and not a RickRoll.
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Why are you reading this? Watch it!
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Say hello to the Fran-tic-tick-tick-tick-tick-tickRoll, also known as the TickRoll. Congrats, you’ve witnessed the meme that will eventually (hopefully) replace the RickRoll. Isn’t the Internet wonderful?

I just joined a new music class at school after finishing History early. My homework for this week: Learn to play “Run To The Hills”.

AWESOME.

…By listening to true metal!

This is real. I’m not kidding.

By now, you should know about the YouTube Copyright Wars. If you don’t, here’s the deal: Warner Music Group, not just one record label, but a whole alliance of them, is going berserk over copyright claims. If your video has music from them, it’s going to be flagged and removed sooner or later. Some people have suggested ideas like switching to a different site (like what?), using Creative Commons-licensed music, or firebombing the WMG headquarters. Here’s an idea: Use music that WMG doesn’t own.

Wait, WMG doesn’t own all the music in the world after all?

No, they don’t. Quite a few lesser-known record labels are outside WMG’s grasp. These labels, interestingly enough, include Century Media, Nuclear Blast, and Spinefarm- the Big 3 of Extreme Metal. Listenable Records is also okay, as far as I can tell. Sadly for you metalcore kiddies, Roadrunner Records is owned by WMG, and Metal Blade uses them for distribution. That means no Trivium, Machine Head, Killswitch Engage, Slipknot, pre-Rest Inside The Flames 36 Crazyfists, Unearth or Job For A Cowboy for you. You can find a list of the labels WMG owns here: if your favorite label shows up there, don’t make a YouTube video with background music anytime soon. (Also casualties of this battle are Opeth- Ghost Reveries and later- and Amon Amarth. Both will be missed, especially the latter.)

So what does that leave? Here’s a short list of bands that should get past the screening:

*huge breath*

Children of Bodom, In Flames, Soilwork, Mors Principium Est, Kalmah, Lacuna Coil, Gojira, At The Gates, Sonata Arctica, Ensiferum, Iced Earth, Nevermore, Dimmu Borgir, Firewind, Dark Tranquillity, The Agonist, Scar Symmetry (with exceptions), Cryptopsy, Nightrage, Nightwish (with exceptions), Behemoth, Strapping Young Lad, Arch Enemy, Norther, Bloodbath, Hyocrisy, Shadows Fall (with exceptions), Keep of Kalessin, and Wintersun.

“With exceptions” means that some of their material is off-limits. These albums, to be specific:

  • Scar Symmetry – Symmetrical In Design (Metal Blade)
  • Shadows Fall – Threads of Life (Roadrunner)
  • Nightwish – Once, Dark Passion Play (jointly Nuclear Blast, Roadrunner, Drakkar)

Haha, no more “The Poet And The Pendulum” AMVs. ;-)

Still, that leaves a fair amount. I got away with posting a video of Tremulous, an open-source game (CC = no copyright claims) soundtracked by Soilwork’s song “Exile”, from “Sworn to a Great Divide” by Nuclear Blast. It’s still up.

Now go out there and stick it to the man!

Do you ever want to make “friends” online by proving how fvkken kvlt and gr1m you are to make up for your lack of friends in real life? Do you want something “constructive” to do by tearing down decent bands instead of making something useful? Or maybe you just want an excuse to write “pussy”, “gay”, “emo”, and other related words over and over to hide the fact that you’re a closet emo?

You can do all three right here!

Behold, Metal Archives. For the trve el1te, by the trve el1te. To be honest, as the “encyclopaedia metallum” that it’s supposed to be, it’s a great site, and has some excellent information on an incredible selection of bands. Even underground ones (for instance Orphan Hate, Decadence Sweden, Utopia Banished) have at least some useful info (I couldn’t find the lyrics to Utopia Banished’s album “Night of the Black Wyvern” anywhere else, for instance). Use it all you want, just don’t click on any of the review links. Unless you’re checking reviews for a relatively underground band, you will lose brain cells.

There are generally three types of reviews on Metal Archives.  The first one is a fairly unbiased, yet critical, assessment of an album’s strengths and weaknesses. This tends to happen less and less as a band’s popularity increases. There are few to none for popular albums, but a fair number for underground bands (and lesser-known albums; for instance, the reviews get better earlier on in Arch Enemy’s career). The second type is written by fanboys. Almost any review that gives the album higher than a 96% is one of these. They’re marked by gushing over an album’s positive features and either no or slight mention of its flaws. The few positive reviews for Bring Me The Horizon’s albums are like this, and many neglect to mention that Bring Me The Horizon songs are mostly made of breakdowns, their lyricism is far below-par, and other assorted flaws.

Then we have the third type of review. This is what you will be writing.

Step one to bashing a band: Pick an album. Try to find their most “mainstream” album so more people will agree with you. Examples include “Blooddrunk” by Children of Bodom, “Come Clarity” by In Flames, and “Rise of the Tyrant” by Arch Enemy. Download it using Limewire, BitTorrent, or something else, and listen to it for a good 5 minutes. Be sure to look at other reviews so you know what parts of each song to listen to. Don’t bother listening multiple times, this piece of shit can’t grow on you, can it? Didn’t think so.

Step two: Start writing the review. Your review must have the following words: “emo”, “shit”, “sellouts”, “boring”, “gay”, “pussy”, “poser, “bitch”, and “fail”. Be sure to agonize over how much of a chore the album was to listen to, while blasting the gr1mmest, most fr0stb1tt3n pvre fvkken blvkk metvl you can find in the background. This is your gold standard of an easy listen, which means it’s everyone else’s, too. Also, be sure to mention that you snapped the imaginary CD in half after you were done, even though you’re not even going to delete the download. Conclude by telling the reader to avoid the album at all costs, despite that you looked for it intentionally.

Step three: Post.

Step four: You’re the kvltest person alive. Congrats, now give yourself a pat on the back. And remember, DEATH TO FALSE METAL!!!!!!!!1111!!!11

It was “Ecliptica” by Sonata Arctica.

Technology changes fast, doesn’t it?

Now that I have your attention, let me explain.

Apparently, it’s become a trend for JB fangirls to say “OMJ” instead of “OMG”. Obsessed much? I could think of so many things that are wrong with that, but one stands out. Obviously, the single-minded obsession of some of these psychopaths already borders on idolatry, but this time, they’ve actually substituted the God they’re supposed to worship (JB fangirls are overwhelmingly Christian, just like the Jonass Brothers claim to be).

There. They’ve crossed the line between fandom and idolatry. They’ve rejected God for some talentless corporate WHORES.

Now, isn’t idolatry one of the 10 Commandments? Hmm…

<Twisted Sister>

YOU’RE GONNA BURN IN HELL!

</Twisted Sister>

The Jonas Brothers aren’t Christians. In fact, they promote idolatry, along with lust, one of the Seven Deadly Sins. Not love, you fangirls. LUST. There’s a difference, but you’re too brainwashed to see. The Jonas Brothers used their self-proclaimed faith for personal gain, rather than helping others become better people, which is what Christianity is about. And for that, they, and all their fangirls, will burn in hell if they’re really as serious about their “faith” as they claim to be.

PS: I’m an Atheist.

And if it is, I recommend moving to another country.

In my last post, I went over how talent and popularity are unrelated. If anything, there’s an inverse relationship. I used Sonata Arctica and Linkin Park as examples, and the winner was clear. Compared to this case, though, the last one will need a photo finish.

Here’s the root of the problem.

Some idiot thinks that by counting up the number of Jonas Brothers fans and haters, he (she?) thinks that the Eternal Jonas Brothers Flamewar will be resolved forever.

Reality check!

  • There may well be more haters than “lovers” (read: brainwashed fangirls) on YouTube. Let’s hope so so that this idiot will shut up.
  • Even if the swarm of hormone-crazed tweenies finds this video, who cares? No matter how many comments there are, the Jonas Brothers will still be talentless, overpromoted hacks.
  • Of course we’ll all care a lot if the tweens “win”. Of course we’ll forfeit our freedom of speech. Of course. In case you missed it, that was sarcasm.

I can easily prove the conspicuous lack of talent on the Jonas Brothers’ part. Disney is like a black hole of talent. All talent past its event horizon is lost forever. But that’s a matter for another post- or maybe even a video. Some audio to go along with it would be nice.

In the meantime, listen to this.

After listening to pretty nothing but melodic death metal for almost a year, I decided it might be time for a break in the monotony. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against most melodeath bands (the ones that matter, anyways…), but a little variety can’t hurt. Power metal seemed like the next place to go (I already listen to Stratovarius and Wintersun regularly), so I checked out three generic power metal bands: HammerFall (from Sweden), Primal Fear (from Germany), and Sonata Arctica (from Finland). Yes, all of them are foreign. When I think of US power, I always think of Manowar, who are too cheesy for me and then some. Compared to Europower, they’re a stuffed crust pizza with three orders of extra cheese and a side of idiocy.

Anyways, all three bands made it into my library. HammerFall’s still a bit on the cheesy side (they have a song called “The Dragon Lies Bleeding”, just as one example) and Primal Fear was a bit too slow for me (“Evil Spell”, however, is an awesome song!). Sonata Arctica, on the other hand, really struck a chord (several powerchords, actually, complete with some nice keyboard leads) with me. It must be something about Finland, because they sound like Stratovarius (minus some of the drama) and Wintersun (minus the screamie-meemees)- both Finnish bands. They might not have Timo Tolkki or Jari Maenpaa, but their solos are still top-notch (not that I’d expect anything less- this is, after all, power metal).

That’s the good news. Now for the bad news, and it’s not even SA’s fault unless you blame them for not appealing to whiny emo kids.

I watched this video. The song was one of the best by them that I’ve heard so far, but in the comments (welcome to YouTube, population several million complete idiots plus you and a few other sane people), I saw this comment, a comment on a level of idiocy that it shined out like a golden shower on a heap of dung:

cm276288 (1 hour ago) Show Hide
0 Poor comment Good comment

Marked as spam

for all you people saying sonata arctica is better then linkin park should know that ‘what ive done’ has more views thn any other rock song. linkin park is way better thn these guys. people actually listen to linkin park, this crap puts blood in yr ears
ø„¸¨°º¤ø„¸¸„ø¤º°¨¸„ø¤º°¨
¨°º¤ø„¸ LInkin park¸„ø¤º°¨copy and paste
¸„ø¤º°¨ ROCKS!!! !“°º¤ø„¸if u think
¸„ø¤º°¨¸„ø¤º°¨¨°º¤ø„¸¨°º¤ø LP ROCKS!!
Excuse me? What in the hell?
More specifically, what’s this about “this crap puts blood in yr ears”? If you mean (and this might not be true, since Linkin Park fans seem to have an aversion to proper grammar) that it makes your ears bleed, try listening to your own mallcore garbage.
So now having more views means that you’re better? Puh-lease. In that case, Rick Astley would be the best musician in existence. And if he was, RickRolls would lose their meaning, and less people would watch them. And his view count would go down. See? Not at all true. This catch-22 is one of many; would that mean that, for instance, the Jonas Brothers are technical? That Mick Thompson from Slipknot is a better guitarist than Per Nilsson from Scar Symmetry? That Linkin Park is somehow better than Sonata Arctica?
POPULARITY MEANS NOTHING.
Let’s see…
Vocals:
-Sonata Arctica: A singer that sings equally well over his whole range, and puts emotion into his vocals.
-Linkin Park: Screaming your lungs out does not equal emotion. Take lessons.

Guitars:
-Sonata Arctica: EPIC solos. Enough said.
-Linkin Park: Bland power-chord work with few to no solos.

Keyboards:
-Sonata Arctica: The keys carry the leads and add atmosphere. Plus, that guy’s keytar is badass.
-Linkin Park: Sounds like a cheap Casio.

Lyrics:
-Sonata Arctica:
Mother always said “my son, do the noble thing…”
You have to finish what you started, no matter what,
Now, sit, watch and learn…
“It’s not how long you live, but what your morals say”
Cannot keep your part of the deal
So don’t say a word… don’t say a word
-Linkin Park:
You try to take the best of me… Go away
You try to take the best of me… Go away
You try to take the best of me… Go away
You try to take the best of me… Go awaaaay!
You try to take the best of me… Go away!
You try to take the best of me… Go away!
You try to take the best of me… Go away!
You try to take the best of me… Go away!!!!!11111
Hm.
Linkin Park fanboys, go back to your OMGHEVY!!1!11, over-promoted, under-developed excuse for metal and leave the real archmusicians in bands like Sonata Arctica alone. I’m serious. Or I will “put blood in yr ears” using Cryptopsy’s new (nu?) album. THAT will make your ears bleed.

Music: Mors Principium Est – It Is Done

The scum of the earth starts to fade…

We have won, you are gone

And now, you will pay the price

If you haven’t managed to see Encyclopedia Dramatica yet, don’t bother clicking that link. You won’t miss all that much. If you must know, it was a horribly filler-heavy mishmash of memes, online personalities that nobody in their right mind cares about (or even has heard of), and shock images (anything from hentai to furry porn to goatse), all loosely assembled in the style of Wikipedia- in other words, an Uncyclopedia clone catering to 14-year-old nerds. But what it is now is a page asking people to donate money for them. Their ads (and they used to have lots of them) aren’t cranking out as much revenue as they used to, and Wikia refused- a smart choice probably based on the site’s contents- to sponsor them. So now they’re closing down. Plus, most of the donations went to buying stuff for the site admins instead of doing anything useful.

But don’t worry, /b/tards, all hope is not gone! Just cross ED off of your daily routine and put Uncyclopedia there instead! Sure, it’s not quite as fappable as ED is, and uses most memes less than nine thousand times, but think about what you have to gain! A sense of humor! Through that, wittiness! Through that, respectability! Think about it, girls might even want to- God forbid- talk to you!

Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot what happens to you if you get within 100 feet of someone of the opposite sex that isn’t your mom. Never mind, just sit there crying. Don’t think about your suffering, think about what the rest of the Internet is gaining- just like that, the Internet has become funnier.

Background: My parents are considering getting a Mac. This means passing on their old 1.4 GHz/1 GB  desktop from ABS, so I can use it as a server. Nice. Anyways, the good news is that after brushing the dust off of it (after not having used it for a year), I managed to get everything working, including sound and wireless networking. Even on the Mandriva Linux partition I put on it a while ago. Thank God for NDISWrapper.

The bad news is that now, it won’t boot.

I booted into Mandriva first, got everything set up, and rebooted into Windows XP. It stalled at the boot screen. I went back into Mandriva and it also stalled. Hmm. Weird. Normally, I’d just get out my trusty Sabayon DVD and diagnose the problem from there, but it stalled too. So did Shift. And Ubuntu. Hardware issue?

The panels on the side are screwed on and I can’t find a matching screwdriver. I guess I’ll just try again tomorrow. It’s probably just dust.

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